As I sit here and think about why I’m building the Margojuana blog I think about the vision that I had going into this. I wanted to support others that feel like there is no help. Never did I ever think that the year 2020 was going to be the year where shit hits the fan for the WHOLE WORLD. I’m sure you didn’t see this coming either. For many this is the longest year of their lives. There was nothing to do or nowhere to go. We’ve seen what the power of the media has on us when shocking news is shared. And we’re recognizing more that we have to take the control of looking out for our own damn selves.
That’s why I thought it would be beneficial for me to share my story with you all to relate to or see that struggling is hard. Struggling alone is even harder. We have to be there for one another to get through it all. My hope is that when you read these stories and the experiences I went through it gives you strength to keep trying.
Uncertainty, Is it Good or Bad?
Not only will uncertainty sit us on our ass it could also make us freeze in place if we let it. We sure feel uncertain now about what’s going to happen next year or five years from now.
As the pressure sets in the uncertainty starts changing the way we talk to ourselves.
The self talk starts with “how are you going to do it, what are you even thinking, and why would anyone care?”
I’ve been there. That voice in my head telling me I can’t be good enough to do something or be the person I want to be.
For years I would drown the voice with mindless tv watching and being just plain lazy. This was before Iphones and even Nokia phones existed. (Seriously…I’m not even that old!)
Slowly yet surely something was telling me I needed to do something but I just didn’t know what. What did I even care about? What value could I really bring to this world? Little did I ever even think about writing something like this Margojuana blog. I didn’t even know what a blog was yet!
Margojuana’s Unhealthy Coping
As the years went on my laziness grew.
Then my highschool years came and went and then I really had to make a choice. How can someone determine what he or she wants to do for the rest of their lives at such a young age? It’s always been something I questioned. Seriously! Like we still haven’t even gotten a glimpse of an impression of what we could capably do in this lifetime on this world.
All I wanted to do is go to law school to see what the hell is wrong with this system after dealing with the governmental assistance system and the court system that my dad went through.
I tried going down a path that I thought would lead me there. Then I found out that there was a lot of hard work and dedication even after school was over. Ok. I can do this.
And I did.
Thinking You’ve Chosen the Right Path
For a long time I enjoyed it. The prestigious titles that I would achieve were a dream in my mind that I wanted to achieve.
Then I don’t know what started first but it was a number of things that happened over time that stacked up on each other that grew into the deepest depression hole I could have ever put myself into.
No one did this to me. I let this unravel in my mind and I let go of control.
Now as you have read I have developed a lot of experiences growing up the way that I did. Am I thankful that I am the person that I am today?
Yes. I just wish I didn’t have to experience all that to become this person. But so is life. I have learned to let it go through many various ways of applying self care over the years. There would times that I would feel good for long periods of time and then times that the brick wall would knock me down again.
But I got back up again. And tried something new. A new strategy, a new way of thinking, a new way of moving.
I know in the back of my mind I wanted to share this story. For the longest time I never even thought about building the margojuana blog. Then it happened…
2020 The Worst Year in Our Lives
Obviously 2020 happened.
Now, just as I am uncertain about my business future and what it holds I am also uncertain what happens after 2020.
Remember what it was like before this past March? Life was easy and we took it for granted. We could plan for the future and feel a little more confident about it than we can now.
Life was …and still is beautiful. It’s all about the way that you look at it.
This shit show of a year was unpredictable. However look at us now! WE MADE IT! Pat yourself on the back. I’m so proud of you!
Because you and I don’t know what is around the corner. What can happen tomorrow, the next month, or the next year. What we do know is ourselves. Or you can take the steps to better know yourself.
And guess what?
You can literally handle anything. ANYTHING. I promise.
Your world may feel heavy from time to time yet you still can persevere.
With every step you take you learn something about yourself and the connection you have with the world. You evolve into a brand new you.
Every Time You Fall Down You Get Stronger!
No matter how dark your world may feel now as long as you keep going you will see the light. It takes practice. I know and believe in you. You will get there.
I tried my best to do my best but the negative talk wouldn’t stop. Ughhhhhh. That was seriously the worst thing I could ever do. But I learned a lot about myself during that awful time too.
With each attempt to get better even if I didn’t make it to where I wanted to be it’s still brought me a centimeter closer without me even realizing it.
Have you ever felt like this?
Start Caring For Yourself, Dammit!
Don’t be like me, learn from my mistakes.
I neglected my body, this vessel, before that time. At a point in my life that I often reference to as the best years of my life where I felt the happiest, I was not treating myself kindly.
There are glimmers of memories that pass my mind where I wish I could go back to those moments in time when my friends circle was bigger than ever. But then I think about was it really truly my happiness or was it a façade. I was just trying to be cool and fit in. Why did I want that? Who cares what those people think of me.
I’ll never stop loving the people that I was surrounded by then however I was only looking for a way to fit in and not looking out for my own best interest.
Nevertheless, I’ve matured more over the years, but I’m damn hell proud of myself for taking such a huge step for ME. Oh but I was really sad being alone. Those beautiful best years of my life could’ve carried on into more years….but I said no.
Then again, I would be sad that I wouldn’t make more memories with the people that I was with at the time. I was not certain if I even made the right choice at the time. I was also even more sad to think about what was the fate of these friends lives.
In my gut I just knew it wasn’t what it was intended for.
What do I mean? In reality, I knew that these kids had the smarts & wits, I just could see that the path that they were creating for themselves was becoming more and more self-destructive
These Kids Had Their Lives Made Out For Them, And They Destroyed Their Futures
To think back and compare my life upbringing to theirs they had a lot more chances to becoming some thing, someone.
Me, on the other hand, I knew that my life was a struggle and it was going to be a lot more struggle then theirs
The choices their parents had made for them before they were even alive paved a bright future for them had they not jackhammered that path themselves
My parents had made similar choices for me but a mental health issue got in the way and changed that trajectory
Margojuana Makes You Think…
This comparison makes me think of the psychology conundrum: What creates us? Nature vs. Nurture
A lot of people, especially kids, that are put through the section 8 system I was placed in turn into a systematic program forcing them to stay in poverty.
And HELLO this isn’t just with minorities.
Many that go through this program never make it out
Why? Because the irony is is that political governments and political figures profit off of the less fortunate.
I’ve studied this topic many times as a political science student at University of Illinois at Chicago.
You may ask why me?
Well I’ve had it pretty bad. I’ve been at the lowest of lows mentally, financially and physically.
I’ve seen death happen right in front of my eyes. Literally. My mom sent me and my cousins to holy Medjugorie and this boy jumped off a cliff and hit his head. Our leader was trying to rescitate him. I remember the blood being all over his face and hands. And I’ve had lots of love ones taken away from me unnecessarily.
And I have overcome.
Do you see the smile on my face in my stories and my other pictures? I AM THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN. And I’m finally treating MYSELF kindly
And you can too.
This is the calling I have had all of my life. Every experience, ever hurdle has led me here to share this story with you through this margojuana blog.
That’s the reason why the margojuana blog is here. 2020 is a year that makes us regret ever taking the luxury of feeling free in the past for granted. Who else wishes they could rewind to 2019 problems than this shit. Well, we can’t go back. But we can move forward onward and upward. With each knock down we only get stronger and together we will get to our destinations.
I love you.
I’m proud of you.
I’ll always be here with you.
As well as be here FOR you.
That’s why I’m building up Margojuana on social media channels as well as on this Margojuana blog. For You. For you to understand that you are not alone in your struggles. We will get through this together. Margojuana is here to inspire in you that motivation to not give up. If Margojuana can do it, so can you.
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